The Inner work: From breaking point to non-negotiables
Matrescence Tales
Matrescence Tales
Written by CC
When was your baby born?Baby One - Aug 2011, Baby Two - Dec 2014, Baby Three - Aug 2017
Where was your baby born?Baby One and Two - St Paul's, Vancouver, Baby Three - Royal Columbian, New West
Can you share your birth story?Baby One – Maddie arrived 10 days early, on what was supposed to be my first official weekday off work. I had plans to head to the lake with a girlfriend, but something felt off when I woke up that day, and it was a little cloudy, so I asked her to delay, and within an hour, it was clear—I was in labour.
I texted my husband, who worked from home, and spent the morning timing contractions. Around 1 p.m., I decided to go for a short walk to manage the discomfort, but only made it as far as the front gate before turning around and saying, “It’s time.” We arrived at the hospital by 3 p.m., and I was in full-blown labour. I got sick while the nurses checked me—a sure sign, they said, of fast labour.
Panicked that I now had no food in my stomach and wouldn’t have the energy to make it through, I insisted that my confused husband go to the cafeteria. He returned with a giant bag of snacks, none of which I touched—I’d already moved into the next phase.
They put me in a bath and gave me laughing gas, then Fentanyl, broke my water, and finally, I got the epidural. That changed everything. My husband jokes that I became very pleasant after the epidural, but before, not so much. After the epidural, my body relaxed. I could breathe. I could talk with my husband and felt more present to experience what was happening.
Maddie was born at 9:52 p.m. that night. A moment later, my parents called and asked to stop by. I said yes, but I needed them to bring me a Hawaiian pizza.
Baby Two – Porter came seven days early. On December 18th, I had signs of early labour. We did what any rational couple would do: carb-loaded and grabbed milkshakes. I swear I starved in a past life; food shortages are a real fear for me. 😂 I went to bed feeling ready, and at 4 a.m., woke up in labour. We called my sister to come stay with Maddie. Everything moved quickly again. The details are fuzzier this time—second baby, less time to romanticize—but I remember they had to break my water again. Porter was in my arms by 10:30 a.m. on December 19th.
Baby Three – Iyla was our wildcard. She came 15 days early, and after two fast labours, we assumed this one would be the same. But babies like to keep you guessing.
I was completely drained during the last stretch of this pregnancy, chasing after a five-year-old and a two-and-a-half-year-old every day. We attended a wedding on July 30th, and I promised myself a “couch day” to recover the next morning. Instead, I woke up energized and started deep cleaning the entire house. No corner was spared. The next morning, around 9 a.m., while getting ready for the day, my water broke. Maddie slipped a note under Matt’s office door letting him know it was go time.
I wasn’t in active labour yet, but we rushed to the hospital expecting things to move fast. They didn’t. We were there all day while they debated inducing me, but kept getting pulled away for emergencies. By 10 p.m., they started talking about sending us home, but instead moved us to a room off the maternity ward. Within an hour of being in that room, I was in full labour and moved back down to the maternity ward. Most of this experience is a blur, but my husband loves to share the story of how the doctor checked me and told the nurses, “Don’t go anywhere, this is going to be a fast one.” Iyla was born at 4:05 a.m.
What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?
With my first, I was crushed to learn my doctor wouldn’t be delivering my baby. In the end, it didn’t matter. Three babies, three different doctors. It’s the nurses who really walk beside you through the thick of it.
Oh, and take every pair of mesh hospital underwear you can get your hands on. And don’t—don’t—forget your peri bottle. My husband left mine behind during our second birth, and it took me a minute to forgive him.
I’m proud that I trusted my body through each of my labours. I knew what I needed. I said it. I never questioned myself. I’ve never felt more in tune with my intuition than I did during labour.
What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?Baby One - It felt like an out-of-body experience. I’ve always been modest, but for the first two days postpartum I lived topless because my boobs were so sore and felt like they were constantly on-call. We had so many visitors both in the hospital and at home with Maddie—it felt like the social event of the year. I remember standing in the living room one Saturday, looking at her lying on a blanket, and thinking, 'This is forever?' I panicked, wondering if I had what it takes. Everything felt scary. Maddie was tiny—6 lbs 11 oz—and I was terrified of breaking her, just putting a sleeper on.
Family naps were our secret to survival, but I struggled with the sense that I was never doing enough. I don’t think I ever truly settled into a newborn rhythm. I always felt I should be doing something more.
Baby Two - Porter’s early days are a blur. I was more confident, but juggling a newborn and a high-energy three-year-old with no family support was incredibly difficult. I remember feeling like I was breaking by the time he was seven months old—bone tired. Even my fingertips hurt.
I tried to access help from Women’s Hospital, but the logistics with Maddie’s schedule made it feel impossible. I vividly remember the day I finally got an appointment with a doctor, when Maddie had been upset, crying hysterically over some stomach pain. It was so bad that I took her to Children's Hospital to get checked out. After Maddie was done with the doctors, I had just enough time to make it to my appointment. The trouble is, I find navigating hospitals very overwhelming, and being sleep deprived with a crying 3-year-old and an 8-month-old sent me over the edge.
I asked two young admin assistants for directions with a crying toddler and a baby in my arms. When they started giving me complicated directions, I just snapped: “I need help. I need you to get up and take me there.”
That moment was a breaking point. I later sobbed to my husband in the kitchen about how unfair it was that he could play hockey twice a week and I couldn’t even shave both legs in one go. That’s when I started kickboxing—and it saved me. It made me feel strong, plugged back into the world, and like me again.
Baby Three - By baby three, I felt like a pro. Iyla was two weeks old when I found myself grocery shopping while breastfeeding. At the moment I felt proud that I was capable of so much, but now when I look back on that memory I feel sad and a little resentful—not toward anyone else, but toward myself, for trying to prove I could “do it all” and not knowing how to ask for support.
I was still baking cookies for preschool, volunteering at PAC, running at full tilt while babywearing. I don’t like being bored and love helping, but looking back, I wish I’d slowed down. My mother-in-law visited and gently said, “She does too much.” She wasn’t wrong. ( In 2024, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which makes me have more compassion for this version of Christine, who was doing the best she could and also running herself ragged.)
This has been a recurring theme through all three babies: I had so many ideas and no time to follow through. Not getting to wash my hair felt like inhuman treatment. If you know me, you know that washing my hair is a non-negotiable and not something I can laugh off. When I don’t wash my hair, my mental health is affected. I didn’t realize how overstimulated I was; I’d never even heard that term used. I remember saying to a friend, “I just wanted to sit in a grassy field far from anyone and be alone.” I thought needing help meant I wasn’t a great mom and getting help made me spoiled. I so wish I could have experienced the newborn stages again with supports in place.
How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?
Motherhood is a rebirth. I’ve grown in empathy, compassion, and capacity. However, it has also forced me to confront the parts of myself that still require healing. You think you have life figured out—until you’re sleep-deprived, overstimulated, and caring for others 24/7. Then shit gets real!!
What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?Plan for the fourth trimester. Build in support. Ask for help—not because you’re incapable, but because you're smart enough to know your energy is sacred. You can't pour from an empty cup, and your children deserve the version of you that’s supported and cared for.
How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?I advocate for my needs now, unapologetically. I make decisions based on what’s best for our family, not based on what other people are doing.
I reconnect with myself through time in nature—hiking, paddleboarding—and through writing, as well as breathwork. I’ve also joined a high-touch business mentorship program that keeps me accountable to myself, not just everyone else.
What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?The work I’ve done on myself. Every journal entry, therapy session, every hard conversation, every boundary set. Because I want to show up as my highest self for my kids, and that means doing the inner work, again and again.
❤️
