Trusting Your Gut, Dealing With Mom Guilt, and Reframing Your Superpowers

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by SBA

When was your baby born?

October 2024

Where was your baby born?

BC Women’s Hospital, Vancouver

Can you share your birth story?

I developed gestational hypertension in the third trimester of pregnancy. This was particularly scary because my older sister had Pre-eclampsia with her first, and unfortunately my step sister passed away from HELLP syndrome at 35 weeks pregnant (her daughter survived).

I was monitored very closely, and started medication early. Lots of ultrasounds, blood tests (thankfully I’m good with needles), and follow up visits. It was recommended that I don’t go full term and get induced at 37 weeks since my blood pressure was worsening, even with medication. But I wasn’t ready! My support person, my mom, wasn’t going to be in town yet. So I convinced them to wait a few more days, when I was 38 weeks.

The day of induction was exciting, we went out for lunch, a short walk, we didn’t know what to expect but we were ready! My mother was coming into town that evening so she could be there to help us through it. My induction was awful. Four hours after insertion I started experiencing non-stop cramping and severe pain. I remember the midwife saying that my Cervidil insert was particularly “spicy” and that I was likely having a reaction to it. The insert was removed, and I was given a dose of morphine so I could rest and was sent home.

I was brought in to the hospital for oxytocin induction the following night at 9 pm. I got my epidural right away, as well as Foley catheter. The Foley catheter confirmed I dilated to 3-4 cm, but 12 hours after the foley came out, no further dilation occurred.

My blood pressure was increasing, I was at my max dose of oxytocin, and three doctors couldn’t manually break my water (ouch). I was given the choice to continue, but my OB was concerned with the increase in BP, my increasing anxiety, and the fact that none of the OBs could break my water, she recommended to proceed with an urgent c-section. Something was telling me something wasn’t right, and that I should go with the c-section, so I did.

Two hours later my husband and I are getting prepped for the c-section, and being transferred to the OR. I gave them my birth playlist, which they played for me in the OR. They’re testing my sensation and I can feel almost everything on my left torso, but nothing on my right. The anesthesiologist was concerned and gave me two choices, between a rock and a hard place. Either she can redo the epidural, but then run the risk of blocking me too much which can cause a cessation of breathing, or I go under general anesthesia. The anesthesiologist highly recommended general anesthesia. Both options meant my husband couldn’t stay with me. Which I couldn’t handle. But I chose general anesthesia.

I was very upset, crying uncontrollably, desperately holding his hand so tightly. He said “I’ll see you in a bit”, but I would not let go of his hand. The last thing I remember is my midwife looking down at me, stroking my cheek, re-assuring me that all will be well.

I woke up what felt like moments later (but was really more than an hour), and I remember saying repeatedly “Where are my boys?”, “I can’t see my boys”. The feeling I felt when I saw them both in recovery is indescribable. I let out a sound that I’ve never made before. I never felt so happy. It turns out my instincts were right, the umbilical cord was wrapped around our son’s neck, and the umbilical cord also had a true knot. Had we continued with labour, it would have been an emergency c-section anyway, but with our son’s life in danger. The true knot was not detectable on ultrasound.

My midwife and the anesthesiologist advocated for my husband and he was allowed to come into the OR after I was intubated and right before our son came out. I have precious photos of those moments. They let him touch his hand and my husband was able to put on his first diaper. Then they waited for me in recovery. Despite the findings our son was perfectly healthy, and had a perfect APGAR score. We were in the hospital for 3 nights. I don’t remember much from the hospital stay, except that we got differing information from nurse to nurse about various things which was a bit frustrating and that someone messed my BP medication refill. I remember my prenatal midwife came to visit, same with the one who was there comforting us through the ordeal, and the anesthesiologist came to see us too!

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

I don’t think there is anything specific I wish I knew about before birth. Our midwives did a great job of prepping us for it. I went into birth without a specific plan, I had hopes for the experience of course. But based on what happened to my older sister and step sister I knew that you can’t plan for everything and things can go differently very quickly.

I am proud that I followed my gut. I felt like something wasn’t right, and it turns out the decision I made led to the least scary and best outcome for both of us.

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

I had a really difficult time breast feeding, poor little guy had a poor latch, and breast feeding was so painful. I dreaded it, so we switched to pumping. My supply was minimal so we had to supplement with formula. Despite numerous interventions, I lost my supply just over a month postpartum unfortunately. My emotions were everywhere. And I found myself feeling angry a lot, and hating certain people around me, noises, smells. I cried a lot, I felt like a failure. I struggled a lot with feeling like I lost out on not being able to feel the experience of my son leaving my body. I felt like a failure for being unable to breast feed. The mom guilt is real.

Tip: just in case, grab a box of prepared formula. It made things so much easier. Also, sign up for BC Women’s Postpartum Mental health if you have OCD and anxiety like me. Or even if you think you’ll want help unpacking the changes you’ll experience. The wait list is long but I got to speak with my psychiatrist before and after birth. It’s an invaluable resource. Use it!

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

The transition to motherhood is ongoing. As time passes, the less sadness and grief I feel for my life without a child.

The hardest part of motherhood for me so far is the postpartum rage. I feel like I see red and get so angry so quickly for silly reasons. It’s getting much better over time. But it was really quite distressing when it first happened.

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

Oh my goodness the list is endless! “Why does no one talk about this…” is something I say a lot. I particularly wish someone would have told me about the postpartum hot flashes!

Tip: Don’t become the expert of your baby when it comes to your partner if you have one. They may do things differently than you do them and that is fine! They’re learning just like you are.

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

I’m most definitely not the same person I was prior to pregnancy. My aspirations and thoughts have changed drastically, which is excellent. I had an intense fear that I was hold resentment towards my baby, but I don’t. I like to include him in as much of my life as possible. I thought I would get bored on maternity leave and want to go back to work early, but I don’t want to go back to work at all!

I also make a priority of still doing some of the things I love to do, like volunteering, spending time with friends, thrift shopping etc.

I try to do one thing that is just for me at least twice a week.

What are you proud of so far in your motherhood journey?

My multi tasking is much improved. I prioritize myself at least twice a week or when time permits which I feel is so important.

My OCD can be bad but I’ve also decided to reframe it as my super power. I think of things others don’t when it comes to safety. And I always prepare for the worst case scenario.

❤️