I had a miscarriage at disneyland
Trigger Warning: Mention of miscarriage. If this topic feels a little raw for you right now, you may want to skip this one or come back another time.❤️
This is a slightly different type of post, for a change. As many of you know, we recently went on a bucket list trip to Japan. Travelling with kids is never easy, and after a somewhat challenging trip in the summer, we came preeeeeetty close to bailing on this one, several times. But never one to say no to a little adventure, and knowing how good the cultural experience would be for the kids, we plodded on…
After 3 weeks travelling around Hakone, Kyoto, and Tokyo, we finished up with a few days at DisneySea and Disneyland Tokyo. With a Frozen-obsessed two and four year old, it was our first time doing Disney and there was much anticipation… not only because we could walk through a real-life Arendelle.
The day after…
I hinted towards this in my last email newsletter, but unfortunately it turned out a little more eventful than we hoped. I had a miscarriage.
This was my first one. With two healthy children, I know I am fortunate. It started with severe cramps, luckily during the night (& not actually IN the park), and I knew straight away. For some reason, I was taken aback at how painful it was. Then the blood started.
When you’re in another country, it’s hard to know what to do in a situation like that. Back home, you would call your doctor, or go to the hospital… but really, what are they going to do in the middle of the night, in a country where you don’t even speak the language? And of course, you don’t want to wake the kids. I wished for it to pass quickly, and by morning, the pain was bearable. I skipped the day and slept, while my husband braved DisneySea solo with two kids.
I don’t even really know why I feel the need to write this post. In all honesty, we were on the fence about whether to go for a third, as I’m not sure I want to go back to that first postpartum year. Two and a half years later, I’m only just starting to feel like I’m coming up for air. But of course, once something like this happens, your brain goes into that pointless-but-inevitable spiral: Did I do too much? Should I have skipped the teacup ride? Cut back more on the coffee? Could I have done anything differently? But my rational mind knows better… at 40 years old (and knowing my ovaries weren’t in the best of conditions anyhow), it just wasn’t meant to be.
I’m okay. Truly. The hardest part - aside from dealing with what’s physically happening inside your own body - was telling my four-year-old. She has since taken it upon herself to inform every single person she encounters that her baby “popped.” As far as euphemisms go, that’s a pretty adorable four-year-old version.
I know there are many who have experienced much more traumatising losses, and that lots of people in our community have had physically- and emotionally-challenging journeys in becoming mothers. Yes, it was hard, and sad, but in the grand scheme of things, I know it doesn’t compare to some of those journeys. All I know, is that it’s important to normalize and share these experiences. Knowing how common it is, has definitely helped me.
And honestly, being at Disneyland when it happened was a perfect distraction. I rallied to make it to the last day, and the shows, the joy, that “Beauty and the Beast” ride… all of it helped me get out of my head and back into the moment. That is, until my daughter fell on a metal fence (what is it with these kids and their climbing!), and re-surfaced looking like she had just come out a round with Rocky. With a wonky, swollen face, two black eyes starting to form, and a refusal to leave the park (don’t worry, she was fully assessed!), we continued on our way to squeeze in the remaining rides we could - with me moving along like a sloth, and her getting all sorts of WTF-looks - before a magical fireworks show at the castle to round up the trip. Truly, there is never a dull day with these kiddos!
If you have experienced a miscarriage and are looking for resources to support you as you navigate this, please see the following article:
