“A Rage Runner”
The morning was going well. My husband was off buying us groceries for the week and I was enjoying a Saturday morning with my kids that didn’t involve needing to rush out the door! And then before I knew it, everything flipped upside down. Suddenly there was pee in the pantry, and a fresh pile of poop on the carpet. Yes, we were in the midst of our potty training journey. And yes, accidents happen. Maybe it was because I was on my own. Or maybe it was the 45 minutes it took me to clean up everything while simultaneously ensuring that my children did not then eat said poop-on-carpet. Or maybe it was just because this parenting thing is hard. But I felt the strain required to remain outwardly calm. I could feel the rage bubbling just beneath the surface. One second, I was texting my husband, “Where the f*@!k are you?” and the next I was bringing out a toy that would keep my kids entertained for another 12.5 seconds. And then it hit me. I needed to run.
Now I should back up to explain that I am not a runner. I have tried running in the past and found it desperately boring. I have this romanticized notion of calling over my shoulder, “I’m just going for a run.” But it has never really materialized. And maybe never would have without my MotherFlock friends. They aren’t just runners, they’re marathoners. I know. On this day, the gap between me and a marathon may as well have been the Strait of Georgia! But there was no second guessing this impulse to run. It was a compulsion. The need to run was quite literally the only thing holding my veil of calm in place for my kids. My need to spew obscenities held at bay, just barely. The need to run gave me focus.
By the time my husband finally came home with the groceries, I was in my running gear and ready to go. With a brief explanation, I was out the door before the groceries had even begun to be put away.
While running may be a stretch for what happened that day – it was more the classic one minute run, one minute walk vibe – I was outside by myself. It was magic. Pure magic.
I came home sweaty, refreshed, and ready to be the mom I wanted to be. Now I understood why people run. 45 minutes of this activity and my stress cycle had completed. I did not have to wallow in the stress all day. I did not have to snap at those I love the most. I could disappear into the pounded pavement and cloudy skies and return a better version of me.
Let me leave you with this encouragement...#1. Never say never. The activities that you are drawn to after matrescence may not be those that you ever expected for yourself. But they may just make today that much more doable.
#2. Lean into these MotherFlock friendships. They are good for you in more ways that you even realize right now. The healthy habits of those around me planted seeds in my mind that seem to germinate at unexpected times.
#3. Listen to those impulses to get outside on your own. Maybe for you it is the need to run. Maybe it is the need to walk in the woods. Maybe it is the need to dance. Give yourself and your loved ones the gift of time spent by yourself outside. You will be amazed how much more you can give when you return to them.
[Please NOTE: Running is connected to the healing and strength of the pelvic floor. So please know that I did not attempt to run until I was 11 months postpartum and under the supervision of pelvic floor physiotherapy specialists. Everyone is on their own journey in terms of pelvic floor recovery. Please do not attempt to run too soon postpartum or without the care of pelvic floor specialists.]
With love, from The Trenches... x