A note to the partners… understanding postpartum & Matrescence
It’s been coming up lots lately in our postpartum groups, about how dads & partners are needing more support in to transition to parenthood, how relationships shift with the presence of a new baby, and how resentment frequently starts to build. It feels inevitable really… having a baby is one of THE biggest challenges you’ll face as a couple. Let’s be honest - nobody hands dads a manual either… and learning how to change a diaper and bath the baby, is not exactly comprehensive guidance. There is soooo much more going on. Partners & support people are the closest witnesses to the emotional, physical, and identity shifts happening during matrescence, yet many say they feel unsure of what’s normal, what’s needed, or how to help. And from the birthing parent/moms’ point of view, even when we’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to explain to our people what we’re going through and how they can help. But, when partners learn a little more about what’s going on during the postpartum phase, and what matrescence actually is, support becomes more intentional, communication gets easier, and the whole family benefits. So this one is something to share with the partners…
Dear Dads/Partners/Support People,
When your baby arrives, everyone celebrates the new life in your arms. But something else is happening at the same time: your partner is going through a major transformation. This transition has a name -matrescence - and understanding it can make a huge difference in how you support her (and honestly, how you survive the first year together).
Before we get into it, we also know that becoming a parent is a big adjustment for you too… and that’s something that society doesn’t talk about too much. Patrescence, and postpartum depression for partners is a thing.. and more common than we might realize (the stats state approx 10% of dads may experience postpartum depression). So check in with yourself about how you’re really doing, be open with your partner and your friends, and utilize resources if you need to. Resentment can build easily at both ends, but it’s important to remember that it’s not a competition, and as Dr. Becky says, two things can be true. You can both need support in different ways. The challenge is to find ways to work as a team so that the whole family can thrive.
If you’re new to Matrescence, it is defined by the physical, emotional, hormonal, social, and identity shifts that happen when someone becomes a mother. Think adolescence… but with a newborn, sleep deprivation, and no summer vacation. It’s not just about learning how to care for a baby. It’s about becoming a completely new version of yourself while also trying to function on three hours of broken sleep.
Alongside matrescence is the postpartum phase. This is often misunderstood as the first six weeks after birth, but in reality, postpartum lasts much longer. Growing a baby for 9 months from her own body (seriously magic!), plus the physical trauma of giving birth, takes a toll, and it’s going to take a while to recover. For many families, it’s the entire first year - sometimes beyond. During this time, your partner is healing physically, her brain has changed, her organs are moving back, her hormones will undergo one of the biggest crashes in her life, she’ll likely be undernourished, navigating emotional ups and downs, and figuring out her new identity. That’s a lot happening under one very tired roof.
From your perspective, you might notice she seems different. Maybe she’s more sensitive, more overwhelmed, quieter, or snappier. She might be “touched out” and not want you to go anywhere near her (and btw, it’s not just her. The majority of moms feel this way, so please don’t take this personally… her nervous system is just in crisis mode). But she isn’t “losing herself”. She’s rebuilding herself. Matrescence is a transformation, and transformations take time and are rarely smooth. They’re messy, unpredictable, and sometimes involve crying over spilled breast milk (a completely valid reaction, btw!).
One of the biggest challenges is that much of this transition is invisible. You can see the diaper changes and night feeds, but you might not see the physical aches and pains that linger from the last 9 months (or new ones that arise after baby comes!), the toll it takes carrying baby all day, and the constant mental checklist running in her head. What she’s doing when you’re out at work (spoiler alert: it’s not just sitting on the couch drinking coffee and playing with the baby). Feeding times, nap windows, doctor appointments, developmental worries, packing the diaper bag, remembering who needs to be thanked for the lasagne - it’s literally a 24 hour job, with no reprieve.
Here’s where you come in.
Mindset shifts:
Postpartum is not just 6 weeks long. Recovery will take months, if not years.
Supporting her IS supporting baby. Moms’ wellbeing is directly related to secure attachment and development in baby.
You don’t need to fix everything. Presence matters more than solutions sometimes.
Being at home with the baby is ALOT. It’s truly a 24/7 job. So if you’re coming home from work, step in to give her a break. Send her out for a walk, make her dinner, give her time to shower, or send her up to her room to nap or read a book. Something that will give her nervous system a break, and help her feel more human again.
Seems obvious, but she has also not done this before. Don’t assume she knows what to do, and put the load on her. She’s just figuring it out herself. So take the initiative - look for the diaper cream, pack the bag, make the baby meal, try a different settling technique… before your default reaction is to ask.
actions you can take:
Support during this phase looks like:
Take on mental loads tasks like meal planning and cooking. Take on the chores & laundry… taking initiative without waiting to be asked. Initiate a conversation on how you can tackle this together moving forward. What tasks would be helpful to be completely off her plate?
Protecting her sleep and time for her to rest. Notice when she hasn’t had a break and step in.
Telling her she’s doing a great job (more often than you think).
If possible, encourage her to get some baby-free time outside of the house (or at least in another room). Something that allows her to feel like “her”.
If you have the resources, outsource what you can. Cleaning. Meal delivery. Having family come in to help.
Make sure she’s hydrated and eating well. Postnatal depletion happens in all moms, and if severe, has similar symptoms to depression. If you can, meal-prep so she has breakfasts & lunches available when she’s home alone with baby.
Listening without immediately trying to problem-solve.
Being patient when emotions run high (sleep deprivation, physical depletion, & hormones are to blame here).
Resources to help build your knowledge & understanding
Instagram accounts to follow:
Podcasts
Books
Matrescence by Lucy Jones
Dummy or Man vs. Baby by Matt Coyne
One of the key pieces of matrescence is identity. Your partner may love being a mom and still miss parts of her old life. Both things can exist at the same time. She might be thrilled about your baby and also grieving spontaneity, independence, or simply showering by herself. This emotional mix is normal - not a sign that something is wrong.
You don’t need perfect words or grand gestures. Showing up consistently, sharing responsibilities, and acknowledging that this is a huge life transition goes a long way. When you support her through postpartum and matrescence, you’re not just helping her - you’re strengthening your whole family. 💪
This phase won’t last forever. The fog lifts. Sleep improves. Confidence grows. But the way you show up now? That sticks.
