Why “Self-care” doesn’t work
While it might sound nice, let’s be honest: the term “self-care” has been hijacked. It’s often reduced to bubble baths, face masks, and expensive candles. And while those things can be lovely, when you’re in the thick of it, they barely scratch the surface of what it means to take care of yourself - especially when you're navigating the demands of modern life (hello work, parenting, relationships, and the never-ending laundry pile). Enter: energy management, the grown-up, no-BS version of self-care that focuses on how you actually feel - and how to protect your energy like the sacred, limited resource it is.
The problem isn’t self-care itself - it’s the way it’s marketed. It’s been flattened into a consumer experience instead of a sustainable strategy for well-being. A 20-minute bath isn’t going to undo 12 hours of burnout, overstimulation, and emotional labour. And if it does, please bottle that magic and sell it to me!
The thing about self-care, as it’s often sold to us, is that it’s reactive. It kicks in after you’ve hit the wall. And this is what I was totally missing the mark on, when I had a severe case of postnatal depletion (or postnatal depression?)… I just wasn’t prioritizing my basic needs. Energy management does this, and the reason why it works? It’s proactive. It helps you notice the wall before you walk straight into it for the third time this week.
Energy Givers vs. Energy Drainers
Energy management starts with knowing what fills your tank and what empties it. Here’s how to spot the difference:
Energy Givers
These are the people, activities, and habits that leave you feeling grounded, energized, or more like yourself. Examples:
Time in nature
Laughter and meaningful connection
Creative expression
Physical movement that feels fun
Adequate rest (not just sleep, but mental rest too)
A nutritious meal
Energy Drainers
These are the things that suck your soul, even if they seem small or “normal.” Examples:
Toxic relationships or negative/judgemental people
Endless multitasking & invisible labour
Saying yes out of guilt
Noise, clutter, and chaos
Social media spirals
Sleep deprivation
No alone time
Some of these can’t be avoided (looking at you, nocturnal newborn), but you can become more intentional about balancing them out or building protective buffers around them.
So… Now What?
If you’re ready to ditch the broken version of self-care and start managing your energy like it matters (because it does), here are four simple steps to get started:
1. Track Your Energy
Spend a few days noticing what gives you energy and what drains it. Not what should (e.g. that overexpensive yoga class that you just feel awkward at) - what actually does. Be honest, be curious, and maybe keep a little note on your phone.
2. Audit Your Calendar & Apply the 1% RuLE
Look at your week ahead and ask: Where can I add one energy-giver? Where can I reduce or delegate a drainer? No, you don’t have to Marie Kondo your life overnight - but small shifts = big results over time. Instead of aiming for massive life overhauls, commit to improving just 1% each day. That could mean drinking one extra glass of water, stepping outside for five minutes, or setting a boundary with over-critical relative. Over time, those 1% tweaks compound -and suddenly, your life starts to feel a whole lot more like yours.
3. Build Buffer Zones
If you can’t remove a drainer (like work obligations, night-time wakes, or toddler tantrums), build in recovery time around it. That might mean a walk, a nap, or five minutes of intentional silence in your car before you go back inside.
Self-care isn’t broken - but the way we think about it kind of is. While a spa day is great (& I fully encourage them!), they are band-aids - paying attention, understanding, and prioritizing your energy levels is how you actually take care of yourself. When you start being proactive instead of just reacting to burnout, you create a life that supports you, not just one you have to survive. And that, my friend, is the real self-care.
