The “Shoulds” of Motherhood: It’s time to challenge the Myth of Perfection
Motherhood is often described as a journey filled with love, joy, and fulfillment. But for many women, particularly in the first year of motherhood, it’s also a path lined with invisible “shoulds”—expectations, rules, and pressures that shape how mothers see themselves and how they are seen by others. These “shoulds” are everywhere: you should breastfeed, you should deliver “naturally”, you should cherish every moment, you should instinctively know what to do, you should put your children first, you should bounce back, you should put the baby down more. No wait—hold them more. Be stricter! Be gentler! But who decides what a mother should be, and what happens when reality doesn’t match the myth?
The Weight of Expectations
From the moment a woman announces her pregnancy, the “shoulds” begin. Society, family, and even strangers offer advice and judgments, often rooted in the ideal of the “perfect mother.” But these expectations are not just unrealistic—they’re exhausting. In fact, 93% of mothers report feeling burned out, and 16% say they feel burned out all the time (1). Research shows that feeling pressure to be a perfect mother is directly linked to higher levels of guilt, stress, and parental burnout1 (no shit!?). The result? Many mothers feel isolated, inadequate, and overwhelmed.
The Reality Behind the “Shoulds”
The truth is, motherhood is not a one-size-fits-all experience. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. As author Marguerite Kelly wrote, “Motherhood brings as much joy as ever, but it still brings boredom, exhaustion, and sorrow too. Nothing else ever will make you as happy or as sad, as proud or as tired, for nothing is quite as hard as helping a person develop his own individuality especially while you struggle to keep your own” (2).
In a 2024 survey of 300 North American mothers, 100% reported feeling guilty at least once a day, and 57% felt guilty three or more times daily (3). The top sources of guilt? “My kids” (47%) and “my inability to do everything or do everything well” (44%; 3). This chronic guilt is more than a fleeting feeling—it’s a constant companion that can erode self-worth and mental health. Over half (53%) of mothers said their mental health is negatively impacted by guilt, and 85% experience shame alongside it (3).
It’s also important to recognize that the “shoulds” of motherhood are shaped by cultural, social, and even digital influences. They are subconscious; deeply ingrained. Social media, in particular, can amplify unrealistic images of motherhood, making it seem like everyone else has it all together while you’re struggling to keep up. But behind every filtered photo is a real person, facing the same challenges, doubts, and messy moments.
So, what if we let go of the “shoulds”? What if, instead of striving for perfection, we embraced the reality that motherhood is complex, imperfect, and uniquely our own? But how do we do this? I’m in year five of parenting, this is still something I’m struggling with. Here’s where I’m starting…
4 Action Steps to Challenge The “Shoulds” and Dismantle the Myth of Perfection
1. Redefine “Good Mothering” Through Values, Not Tasks
Instead of measuring worth by societal benchmarks (e.g., homemade meals, Pinterest-worthy crafts), identify your core values as a parent. Ask: “What truly matters to me and my family?” Is it connection over cleanliness? Creativity over conformity? Write these values down and use them as a compass. For example, if “presence” is a priority, protect 10-minute blocks of focused time with your child daily—even if the dishes pile up. This shift from “doing” to “feeling” helps reject guilt tied to unmet external expectations.
2. Practice Imperfection on Purpose
We don’t need to be perfect parents for our children. For them to develop resilience, we need to be “good enough”. Starting to figure out what “good enough” means to you helps to break free from perfectionism. The “good enough” parenting concept is based on the idea that meeting a child’s needs 30% of the time, is enough to create happy, well-attached children, as well as boosting their resilience. No we’re not saying ignore your kids’ needs (especially babies), but it does ease the pressure we put on ourselves as our kids grow.
Intentionally let go of one “should” each week. Skip signing up for a school event, serve leftovers or a snack plate instead of a home-cooked meal, or leave toys scattered to prioritize rest. When you mindfully practice letting go intentionally, you’ll notice that you naturally start becoming okay with not having it all together.
3. Cultivate Self-Compassion with a “Kindness Mantra”
Replace self-criticism with intentional self-compassion. When guilt arises (e.g., “I should’ve handled that better”), pause and practice reframing your mindset. Otherwise known as “First thought, second thought, first action”. For example:
First thought e.g. “I’m doing a terrible job at this.”
This is your immediate, often unconscious reaction to a situation. It's often influenced by your past experiences and biases. Acknowledge the feeling. “This is hard right now.”
Second thought e.g. “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”
This is where you reframe the narrative. Challenge your initial thought and choose to think differently.
First Action e.g. “I’m allowed to be human. Instead of giving up, I’m going to take more time to figure this out.”
This is where you choose to take an action based on your second thought.
Create or choose a couple of personalized mantras like “I’m the best parent for my child”, “Tomorrow is a new day”, or “The hard days give me experience, which makes me a better mom” and repeat it during moments of doubt. Research shows self-compassion reduces burnout and improves emotional resilience.
4. Share Your Story Honestly to Build Connection and Normalize Struggles
One of the most powerful ways to challenge the myth of perfection is by openly sharing your real experiences—both the joys and the challenges. When mothers speak honestly about their doubts, mistakes, and messy moments, it creates a ripple effect of acceptance and support. Doing this not only helps you, but it helps others. Check out our Matrescence Tales as a place to start. Whether it’s a candid conversation with a friend, a post in a parenting group, or a journal entry, vulnerability fosters connection and reminds us all that no one has it all figured out. We’re all just blagging it as we go!
The Only “Should” That Matters
If there’s one “should” worth keeping, it’s this: You should only do what works for you. Motherhood is not about meeting impossible standards—it’s about showing up, loving fiercely, and doing your best, even when your best looks different from day to day. By grounding decisions in values, embracing “good enough,” treating yourself with compassion, and sharing your story honestly, we can start to reclaim our joy and agency. We’ve had enough… let’s break free from the myth of the Instagram-perfect mother, and embrace the beautifully imperfect reality of this crazy ride.
