The Shift: In Priorities & Body Image

Matrescence Tales

Matrescence Tales

Written by CT

When was your baby born?

March 2022

Where was your baby born?

Lions Gate Hospital, North Vancouver

Can you share your birth story?

I thought I might go past my due date, as this is a trend in the women in my family. But by 40 weeks +10 days I was so done with being pregnant and when there was the chance to have an induction I was all for it. I have a cervidil insertion on 40 weeks + 10 days in the morning. The insertion was very uncomfortable, but my midwife said this was because I was not showing any signs of being ready for birth.

I went back 24 hours later to have the next cervidil inserted and this time it was very simple and after monitoring me for an hour they said that they would expect to see me later that day when I was in labour.

We lived a 5-minute drive from the hospital and leading up to B’s birth my main concerns were that I didn’t want to be stuck in a hospital for ages while in labour. At that time there was a spike in covid cases, and I just didn’t want to be around lots of people. I was also more afraid of an epidural than the pain of childbirth so that was the only pain relief procedure that I had any reservations about.

My labour at home was slow and steady, and I would say overall the early stages were ok for me, contractions were uncomfortable but not painful. I was bouncing on the medicine ball, watching a documentary with my husband and having him doing the timer to see how far apart they were. But it felt like labour when from 50kmph to 100kmph in the course of 5 minutes. What had been contractions that were manageable with heavy breathing, suddenly had me in tears. It was time to call the midwife and get to the hospital.

That 5-minute drive took forever, having to stop on the walk to the car for each contraction to pass and same on the walk from the hospital car park. My midwife was waiting for me in the delivery room and she told me I was already 9 cm dilated.

Within 20 minutes of arriving at the hospital I was 10cm dilated and pushing. My midwife was amazing, my first push was not very good, and she coached me through how to do better next time. There was a concern with B’s heart rate, so she told me in no uncertain terms that I needed to push hard to get this baby out now. This was exactly what I wanted in a midwife, caring and helpful but when it came down to the medical necessity, she was 100% no nonsense.

I think I pushed 3 or 4 times, and he was with us, happy and healthy.  It was all pretty much a blur and any opportunities for pain relief had completely passed me by. Also by this stage my breathing was so all over the place that I’m pretty sure I didn’t even inhale any gas and air. So B was a 100% natural delivery. That had been my desire but I didn’t actually expect it to happen.

I’ve heard so many other birth stories and realize how uncommon this is. With my 2nd, due in the next few months, I’m hoping for a similar experience, but we will make sure this time to get to the hospital a bit sooner. We are now a 20-minute drive away, so I don’t want a car delivery!

What do you wish you had known going into the birth? What are you proud of?

I think for me the speed with which things can escalate. It was such a slow burn and the sudden rush to get to hospital really took me and my husband by surprise. Also that the timings of contractions are not an exact science so if you aren’t at the ideal intervals, it doesn’t mean you won’t be soon.

I feel like I shouldn’t say this but I’m quite proud that I managed to do it without medical interventions and pain relief. I felt really empowered that my body was able to do what it did. Before the birth I’d listened to some hypno birthing and the main advice or mantra I took from that was that the pain can’t be bigger than you because it comes from you. I think that helped me to focus that it would be temporary and the need to just do the work to get B out safely overcame any fear of the pain.

What did the first few days/weeks look like? Emotionally/mentally/physically. Any tips you could share?

A complete blur. I had my husband at home for the first 2 weeks and he was brilliant at looking after me while I looked after B and just figured out the feeding. Fortunately B was a champion eater and my milk came in quite well, but at about 4 weeks I got really bad blocked ducts, with hard, hot, painful breasts that were so sore when he latched that I cried in pain. My mum was visiting at the time, and having another woman that I trusted to sympathize with me was incredibly important.

Accept the kindness of strangers. One time I was sat alone in a café with B and a lady came up to me with a glass of water and just said, I know how thirsty breastfeeding made me. She didn’t stop to chat but just wanted to help.

How have you found the transition to motherhood? What has been the hardest part?

I think the hardest part of motherhood for me was going back to work. I was ready and happy to reclaim that career identity, but was surprised at how different it was. Pre-baby I was someone who would work late if needed and go the extra mile. Now that I have to leave to make sure B is collected from daycare on time, and also that I just want to spend my evenings with him means I can’t be that person anymore. Trying to do 40 hours of work, plus being a parent is so physically exhausting. Things that I previously thought were intrinsic to me, such as making sure home cooked meals were made for my family (cooking for others is my love language), have been somewhat discarded for quick meals from the freezer. I think its the realization that i can't do everything I want to do - there just aren't enough hours in the day. 

What is one thing you wish you had known going into postpartum? Any other tips/advice for our moms?

The main thing that surprised me was how quickly my image of my body and my breasts in particular shifted to a functional tool vs something private or sexual. I was surprised at my complete lack of caring of what anyone thought or saw while I breastfed B. It was an interesting shift in my own self-image. 

How do you feel like your identity has shifted? What strategies have helped re-connect with yourself?

It’s interesting connecting with other women who are also mothers now. No matter what stage of life they are at, whether their kids are young or grown, we are all part of this same club of experience. I will always remember the first time I re-connected with my “old” self after having B. We lived on the third floor and since B’s birth I’d always been using the elevator for the stroller. About 14 weeks postpartum I went out for my first jog to get some exercise. I used the stairs and left the building by the side door – something that I hadn’t been able to do in months and it was a weird realization that I was doing something that was once so normal and common to me, but now felt noticeable and strange, because I didn’t have a baby attached to me. Being able to do even small things without your baby I think is really important.

❤️

---